As you grow older, you find yourself constantly questioning the state you are in.
I ask myself if I am happy with who I am today. I ask myself, is there anything I would like to change?
And the answer is no. Who I am today is more than the sum of my parts. However bitter or painful some of experiences are, they were lessons, and good lessons. And although I will always wish I could be a better person, I wouldn’t want to be anything other than the flawed, but goodness-seeking person I know I am.
I think you can really tell when someone is lost about who they are. Some tell tale signs of self destructive, lost individuals include:
- Finding solace in materialism. They live off the highs they get when they acquire something ‘exclusive’ that makes them feel like they are better than others. The joy is often short-lived, it lasts just about as long as that coveted item is in vogue. I have to admit I used to be like that, but haven’t been for a long time. Sure, I love my Chanel Jumbo, but do I feel like carrying it elevates who I am? The answer is no. My bag does not define me, nor does how much my engagement ring costs or what car my family drives. Admittedly this is hard for me because being born into a well to do family has to a certain extent afforded me a lifestyle that I will not be able to sustain once I’m financially independent, but I will have to learn. Material things are transient – good to have, but okay if you don’t have them either.
- Palm trees. I term these people Palm trees because they are just like them – they sway with whatever wind is whispering in their ears at that point in time. You can spot the look a mile away – once a thought is planted into their silly little heads, their brows furrow, they get easily irritable, and they start wildly imagining that the whole world is against them. I personally believe this stems from insecurity – people who are sure of who they are are a lot less likely to believe every single random story they hear. Unfortunately, a large number of these people also suffer from panic induced verbal diarrhea – once they feel threatened by you, everything confidential you ever told them comes pouring out of their mouths and re-interpreted into not so pleasant things about your character. I have learnt never to trust or confide in people like that.
Of course, these are just unpleasant examples. Most of us are just people who are searching for who we are, in a relatively harmless way. One of my friends, for instance, gets the pre-romance jitters and flip flops in the most adorable way (to no one’s detriment of course) – I think you know who you are!
For me, its a difficult journey, one that will always challenge me, but I think I’m getting a bit better at this. Hopefully turning 23 in a week will make me both older and wiser. =)
Another reason why I can’t wait for my birthday is because it signifies a full two weeks of vacationing, first to Thailand with the family, and then to HKG with my two favourite bridesmaids. Can’t hardly wait!
Wedding planning wise, things seem to be picking up. I’m starting to really freak out about the timeline though, the little ticker on the right hand side of my blog tells me I have little over 7 months now to magically drop 6 kg off my waist, finally get my gown done, and finalize the millions of other things that are waiting for me to tick off my very long list of things to do.
You know you are a bridezilla in the making when your fiance tells you in a very despondent message that he will be off to reservice two weeks before your wedding and your response is:
” Oh my god! But that means you will get married in a crew cut?! OMG can you appeal or something and tell them you need to get married and you can’t look ugly?!”
It took K about five minutes to calm me down. -.-
I also keep having terrible dreams where I am getting married in Teochew City Seafood Restaurant and there are ten tables of people I don’t know. To complete that, the flowers are bright red and orange and I am wearing a cocktail dress that looks like the mutant child of a cheongsam and this fashion tube dress. I wake up drenched in cold sweat and the only thing that can calm me down is me flipping on my Iphone and scrolling through my work e-mails.
How weird is that? Reality = my work e-mails. Am I slowly but surely morphing into an office drone with no purpose in life?
Gosh, the existential drama never ends!
In slightly more frivolous things, I have finally found the perfect name necklace.
My new customized name necklace, complete with my online moniker – a little bow. =)
One more day till the weekend !
(previous post was removed for privacy reasons)