Keep on movin’
With several travel related entries out of the way, I want to blog about what’s happening right now in my life before I forget!
I’ve had to do a lot of soul searching recently, and I found that perhaps I have allowed myself to become too hard. I felt at one point that being hard, or being detached, was the solution to not getting hurt. The reverse is true. When you are hard, maybe you do become impervious to the shots thrown your way. But you also close yourself off of love – and that makes you a hard, sad, person. God forbid I should let myself turn into that – how could I ever be a good daughter, lover, or journalist if I lost my ability to empathize?
I realized too, that the biggest casualty of all that has been happening is my fiance, K. Because I had been so full of frustration and centred completely on myself, he has suffered. He has had to deal with problems alone, his problems, and mine, and through it all, never lost his temper, not once, at me. And instead of being completely remorseful about it, I allow myself to continue to vent because its easier to do so than to confront the fact that I had a problem – I was letting myself become a monster and then becoming more monstrous because I didn’t want to admit it. It is a vicious cycle that I need to be careful not to slip into again – because I generally have a disposition to thinking too much about everything.
For the past month, many of our phone calls have been heated, angry, or just silent. I blamed it on running out of things to say, I blamed it on not having enough time, when the truth was that I just wasn’t putting in the effort to be honest about my problems. Because admitting them would mean having to do something about them. I basically left K in the lurch.
But after one big shakeup that involved my parents, K, and a lot of prayer, I am happy to say that I’ve been pushed back onto the straight and narrow. Goodness knows what I would do without the support that they give me !
I am determined to make things better now – we had a long and very insightful conversation last night about what we really want from each other – a revisiting of our priorities and why we should even try to make things work. I guess what I’m trying to say is that we’re going to keep going, because we know we want this. And how do we know this?
Because it has never ever crossed our minds once that walking away was an option. No matter how tough the going got, really breaking up was never a possibility. By the end of the night, we’d be trying to make things work again – admittedly more him than me, which is why I’m working on becoming a more giving person.
Stayed in the whole of this weekend to help my parents out with their Christmas parties – couldn’t leave home so K and I spent most of the day hanging out in the garden.
Checkers, tea, and gorgonzola chips make for a weird but delightful combination! Pictures taken with the Iphone4!
Ignore the gross home clothes – it was chilly! All covered up with my Rilakuma fleece!
K getting himself ready before two intense games of checkers – he won one and we drew on the next – but only cos he let me =(
Might sound boring but we actually had a lot of fun, mostly involving me shamelessly cheating my way through and him looking indignant but giving up. It is rather sad, though, that even with all that cheating I lost. -_-“
That night, we baked!
K posing with my Hello Kitty French Butter Cookies (Sables) – they were quite okay, buttery and crunchy, but crumbled away too easily. I need a better recipe!
Last but not least, we picked up the keys to our place yesterday.
It was a pretty emotional moment for us when we stepped into the place which we will call our home in 7 months’ time. It was only then when I realized how important it was to me that we would have our own private little home where we could grow together. We spent an hour hanging around the empty flat, dreaming of what we were going to do with it and what it would be like to come home to it. It was lovely. =)
Christmas is coming guys, happy holidays!