I have come to the conclusion that I will never find any sort of equilibrium in my life.
Why? I don’t do content. I can’t. I’m constantly searching for bigger, better, more exciting, more meaningful. When I’m depressed, I think about how things could be better. When I’m finally really happy, I wonder when its going to all end.
Does that make me a pessimist, an optimist, or just a really confused person?
Will I ever be a truly happy person?
Maybe all this is transitionary. Afterall, I have waaay too many things happening in my life now. Getting married, starting out in my career, and moving into not one but TWO new homes. And my job is not just a job – it fulfills me and drains me, nurtures me and destroys me,all at the same time.
What I do know is that for a short little day (Sunday) I experienced the closest to contentment I have felt in a long, long time. K and I were cleaning out our house for the first time. In my grotty TJ PE shirt, a pair of FBT shorts, slippers, specs, and no makeup on, I was quite a sight as we romped through the market complex opposite in search of a pink pail and a purple mop.
All day long we mopped, disinfected, scrubbed, dusted, vacuumed, and periodically collapsed into exhausted heaps. For the first time in years, my mind and my body were co-ordinated in purpose, equally exhausted, equally driven. It was a great feeling. Nothing like those nights I sometimes spend gazing at the ceiling and just willing myself to shut down mentally because my body is screaming for rest.
And at the end of the day, both of us stood proudly in our house, OUR house, looked around us, and felt – glad. Just glad,warm, and fuzzy.
And it was great. =)