Little Bow Girl

Wife, Mama to Sophie Rose, Full Time Day Dreamer

Today I saw C.

He is a part of my life that I will never be able to erase. For him, I spent two years worth of nights crying myself to sleep, wondering how I could fix him and make him better.  He helped me realize that sometimes Love isn’t enough for two people to stay together. And also that not being able to tear yourself away from someone didn’t mean that you Loved them.

I think of my naive 17 year old self, face streaked with tears and eyes clouded with confusion. How many times  I told him that I was going to walk away from Us. How many times I went running back to him at a mere text message.

I wonder if I thrived on the heartache – that exquisite pain that makes you want to fight even harder to make it work instead of hurting you so badly that you choose to leave. And I wonder how far it was that this heartache was what was truly keeping us together more than anything. We were so caught up in the “Us Against the World” that we lost sight of the Us.

I have never really confronted the nature of our relationship. In the end, I left him for K and still the spectre of my doomed teenage love affair hung between us – there were so many times I would wake up in the early hours of the morning and just lie there, wondering how C was doing without me and what if I wasn’t there when he needed me?  I was devastated when my birthday came and went without a Happy Birthday from him – our birthdays were just a day apart, how could he not remember?  Instead, a hundred days after we broke up, a message came.

“Everyday with you felt like a year to me. And now you’ve been gone a century.”

For a honeymoon of five months, we were joined at the hip. I will never forget those slow days like an Indian summer.

Lying in the school fields blasting Coldplay into our ears and just dreaming and dreaming our lives away. Watching movie after movie after movie, sometimes twice, just so we had excuse to spend time with each other.

You laughing at my disgusting bowling style – dropping the too-heavy ball hard on the lane and watching it roll dismally into the ‘long kang’. Me laughing when you got so angry at not being able to unfurl your earphones that you started yelling like a madman and telling me to ‘fix the damn spaghetti’.  Falling asleep on long bus rides to nowhere and waking up on an empty bus – when I asked you where we were now you said “Forever” and it felt like it.

When I first saw you, I thought you were the most beautiful boy I had ever met. You were quiet, but when you smiled and those dimples peeked out, I was smitten.

When our gazes met, I shivered, and I knew something was going to Happen. I didn’t know if it was going to be good or bad, but my life was about to change.

Isn’t it funny how people can go from feeling like they are two halves of a whole to being complete strangers? How one day you were holding my hand and then five minutes later it wasn’t okay anymore? I wondered how our love could have been so insignificant and fickle that everything was gone in a Day.

I was wrong, it wasn’t over in a day. It took months to get over you. A song would make me dizzy with confusion – my heart would swell. I saw you everywhere in every person in the street. It could have been a lock swept across someone’s forehead that looked exactly like yours.  It was a man striding casually down the street just like how you used to. It was the smell of your cologne on someone passing me by in a corridor. It made my heart sick.

But yesterday, when I finally saw you again, I realized that my heart, unlike your soul way back then , had been fixed.

The way we loved was poetic, the way we left was poetic, and the way we met again could only have been Fate.

I was on the train, half asleep, and our song was playing in my earphones. It wasn’t that I was still listening to it – I had just dug my old Ipod out of the mess of my room –

I don’t know where to begin
I don’t know how to get out there to see you
I don’t know where to dig in.
I don’t know how to get in there ­to feel you

It’s been too long and I’m about to be in time for me
It’s been to long and I’m in time

Can you believe it? I couldn’t. I opened my eyes and he was sitting across from me.

Baby there’s something about you that
I can hold on to
I’m going to hold on to that
Baby there’s something about you that
I can hold on to
I’m going to hold on to that

Our eyes met and I felt nothing but a lovely nostalgia. It felt so natural when he walked over to me and sat down and I passed him one of my earphones. He listened to the rest of the song.

“You look good, how has it been?”

” I’m working – work is crazy.. but I’m getting married.”

” I heard. He must be an amazing guy.”

“He is.”

“Will you let me be there for your wedding?”

And I just smiled, and shook my head.

I got off at the next stop, my stop, and we shared a last look. That look said, I wish you love. It was the look shared between two lovers who were now strangers – it was the look shared between two strangers who knew that they would never meet again.

For me, there is no dramatic love story. There will be no ex lovers appearing at my wedding and snatching my hand as we run off into the sunset.

I can’t deny that I had never loved a boy as madly and as distractedly as him. But the fact is, even though I still love him today, I am no longer in love with him. And the fact is that I am not the me who sobbed until she couldn’t breathe besides the river behind the house which she no longer stays in.

Our story ended that day. And my life today began again just the next day, when a boy with kind eyes and a mischievous smile and a heart that had the capacity to love me like no one ever will appeared in my life.

If C was like the rays of sun which touched my face with its light glow at the end of a cold frost, K was the core of the sun, steady, unchanging, warm, and all encompassing.

And, he fixed me.

Because C came to me broken, and I couldn’t fix him, because I wasn’t the right one at the right time to do it – I hardly felt complete myself. I came to K broken, and he fixed me. Because he is whole.

But I will still hold on to C, just like the song says.

Because when I think of C, I think of who I used to be before I met him. Naive to a fault, but always with a ready laugh – with an endless reservoir of hope and a firm belief in my happily ever after.

As much as I love that girl, that Elizabeth,  I would never want to be her again, because now I have so much more to live for.

In two months time, I will be married. My last skeleton was laid to rest yesterday, and I am filled with certainty.

I am responsible for my own happiness, but K, I trust you with it, just like you have trusted me with yours.


2 thoughts on “Goodbye, Goodnight C.

  1. grace says:

    babe i absolutely love this post of yours 🙂 beautifully-written.

    1. libbyty says:

      thank you grace, it took a lot out of me to write it.. haha six years in fact, but I’ve finally got it out of my system. Got so many texts from people over this post, I’m really touched that there are others who know exactly how I feel!

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