Today, alone at my desk, I broke down in tears.
Yesterday I was looking at my relationship breaking down, and all I was thinking was : What have I done to deserve this again?
And then today I realized that it was just self pity.
The answer was, everything I have done is what I have done to deserve this.
That somehow over four years, I have managed to turn an optimistic, cheerful, ambitious young man into a exhausted, resentful, and beaten person.
These four years, I have taken you for granted.
These four years, when you needed a shoulder to lean on, I walked away, and I left you feeling crippled.
When I needed you, you were always there, and I always took it for granted.
When you told me about your dreams, I scoffed.
When I talked to you about my love for my job, you encouraged me to pursue my passions, and you were there after every long night to send me back home. During those car journeys, I would turn away from you and look out the window, whilst you drove on next to me, wishing you could talk to me about my day but keeping quiet when I said nothing.
When you stood up for me against your family, instead of loving you more for doing it and comforting you because it must have been so hard, I said you had not done enough.
When I needed a hug, you would draw me into your arms.
When you needed one, I told you I was tired and turned away.
Today, when I realize what a horrible person I have been to you, I am filled with shame and guilt. How alone have you been these three years? How hard have you longed for me to love you back and how much did it hurt when I didn’t?
Will you forgive me?