…. is where I want to be.
We try so hard to keep up, stay relevant, be on the ball, lose less, achieve more – that we so often lose sight of who we are and what we really want to be.
Sometimes I feel like I am the most myself during the end of the year, when the skies start their daily sobbing and the day is grey from morning to night. At least, in the last months of the year, I stop feeling a need to rise above myself, but instead I find myself moving into a secure place, into myself, into my thoughts, into my being.
I wonder if it has anything to do with the fact that I am a December baby – that we are the most in our element during the time of the year that we were born? It does make sense in some kind of abstract way – my siblings born closer to the start of the year seem to display sunnier, happier personalities whereas the September and December children among us seek solace inwards and spend much of our time lost in thought and contemplation.
Life has been confusing for me lately. Or rather, I have been confusing myself. My actions and behaviour contradict each other.
One moment, I want to surround myself with people, noise, movement, dynamism, and the other, I wish I was in a soundproof, warm, cocoon where the only thing I can hear is the beat of my heart and the relentless thrumming of my thoughts as they speed through my brain, demanding and persistent.
One moment I feel my future is bright, and my potential unlimited, but small incidents make me feel like I’ve messed up and there is nowhere to go. One day, my marriage is strong and steadfast, and the next, I am questioning whether I was really the marrying kind to start with, and have I made a mistake, have I inadvertently ruined my life and his?
And then the headaches come, pounding through the back of my head, the dull, steady throb buried somewhere deep within my skull where painkillers cannot reach and soothing words cannot calm.
And all I want to do is sleep, sleep, sleep it away. Sleep it away and wake up again to a different world. A world where my loved ones and I are happy, secure, and content. A better time.