On FB today:
“One year ago and now in the same dress, same shoes and same pose.
Although my thighs are a little thicker, my stomach a little rounder, my hair less perfectly coiffed, my bags full of soft toys and bibs instead of makeup and magazines and my house a little messier, I am also a hundred times happier.
Happy Four Months my beautiful little Sophie Rose, I thank God for you every day!”
Right now, four months after giving birth, I am still 5-6 kg away from my pre-birth weight. This used to make me so upset – I would get on the weighing scale every day and feel so despondent about my extra weight. I took less and less photos of myself because I hated how thick my waist looked and how my thighs had so much more cellulite (not thunder anymore but I would say definitely wobbly)
But some time in the last month, I stopped caring. I decided to stop weighing myself and giving myself pressure and just give myself one less thing to feel stressed about. I knew my obsession about going back to my original shape was eating away at me and stopping me from being the cheerful Mama I should be to Sophie Rose, so I snapped out of it.
In deciding that this was out of my control for the time being (managing my online business, work and tuition was already super taxing), I felt liberated. And I learned to enjoy Sophie so much more.
These days I’m just letting things go – my house doesn’t have to be sparkling and pristine – there are unwashed bottles soaking in the sink, baby clothes in an unfolded mountain on the couch, soft toys all over the floor (and Benjy nesting in them), and sometimes I forget to empty out Sophie’s tub until I’m home from work.
But these don’t come first anymore – Sophie, K and Benjy don’t care about the mess – but they do if I don’t have the time to hug them, kiss them, share moments with them, laugh and giggle with them, or just be there when they need me. So housework and gourmet meals are just going to have to take a backseat. I make sure I have at least an hour every day when Sophie, Benjy and I just nestle in the couch and take a nap together in the giant dump of clothes, toys, bags and books.
As for meals – to make sure I get my 5 a day K and I bought a cold pressed juicer and every day we drink a glass jar packed with cold pressed fruit and veg juice. Then we eat something simple if there isn’t dinner at my brothers’ – which is usually one pot meals like Japanese oden:
I also don’t stick to schedules that fanatically anymore. You know all those baby books which tell you baby needs a routine and a strict hourly one at that? Well I threw that to the wind. I had become so fixated on making sure things happened by the hour (Class A control freak) that Sophie had stopped enjoying spending time with me – for example, I would insist on reading to her for 45 minutes even when at the 20 minute mark she got bored and started fussing. Now, when she’s not interested, I just coo or sing or talk to her about random things, and in turn she’s started smiling at me so much more and trying to hold “conversations” too !
I also let go of milestones. Sophie absolutely abhors tummy time. She can lift her head pretty high but the moment you put her on her stomach she starts wailing piteously. I used to start crying along with her after a while but now, I just make sure she gets 15 minutes on her tummy, spend another 5 minutes or so pulling her up – she loves pulling herself up using her arms.
Many babies at four months are flipping now but she’s shown no interest, and that’s ok with me – because eventually every baby is going to be able to crawl, sit, and walk ! Instead, I focus on her mental development – she can babble and “talk” for up to 10 minutes at a time, she is full of natural curiousity, loves sitting up, is extremely alert and bright eyed and best of all, she clearly recognizes me and greets me with a heartbreakingly sunny smile every morning that makes my heart want to explode.
And that, for me, is more than enough 🙂
Today, Sophie Rose turns four months old 🙂 on Sunday, she will be baptised and become a Child of God and join a community of her own. Life has never been so crazily busy but also so immensely fulfilling.
Here’s to letting go !