Life Right Now..
Some days I wake up and I ask myself what on earth possessed me to decide that K and I could keep house, look after a baby, run an online business and hold full time jobs.
Almost every night at midnight we are dead on our feet, with only enough energy to take a shower before collapsing into bed. My mornings are filled with feeding, then cleaning, cooking, chores and I don’t know, maybe breathing a little in between. And I find myself wondering, at least once a day, how long I can keep this up before my body decides that it’s had enough?
For example, one day last week:
This is Sophie Rose throwing a tantrum. She will first scream several long, bloodcurdling, high pitched ones, then she will fling her toys around violently, sometimes hitting herself in the face.
She will then thrash her arms and legs about, screams turned into howls, lips trembling from the effort. I want to go to her, but I know she’s just throwing a tantrum because she isn’t hungry, she is clean and freshly bathed, and we just finished reading, playing and singing together. She just wants to be carried.
I look around the house. The kitchen sink is a disaster, the bathroom is filled with her dirty tub, a filthy high chair. My bed is unmade. The laundry is overflowing. I look in the mirror. My hair is a tangled mess. My dark circles could rival a panda’s and I am wearing mismatched PJs because I’d passed out dead on the bed next to my equally lifeless husband post shower.
This is a bad day. The old me would have laid down on the floor right next to Sophie, thrashing and kicking and screaming too until my needs were met.
But the tables have been turned, and I’m the Mom now. I take a deep breath, pick her up, strap her into my Mei Tai and do all the chores with 7kg attached to my chest. 7kg of wailing, drooling, sobbing baby who is expressing herself by beating on my withered chest and going on a hunger strike.
My hands are rough from chores and the scrubbing of bottles, and I know I will literally have no time to myself that entire day. I feel guilty that I can’t spend a little quality time with Benjy, I feel guilty that my husband will have to come home to a messy house and be met with a long list of chores instead of a warm dinner and a happy family.
I feel awful that I have fresh organic produce going bad in the fridge because I have forgotten to cook them, and shitty about neglecting all my friendships because I am on night shift every day and cannot go out for dinner.
And the worse part of it all is that I have no one to blame but myself, because I chose this. And I know there will be many bad days to come.
But you know, there is an acceptance and a resignation in acknowledging that no one could have made this choice but me. That I took all of this on, knowingly and that I could not give any of this up.
I know we do the chores and all the cooking because I am a control freak who wants to be aware of all the food going into my baby’s mouth and my husband and I fiercely guard our privacy.
I know I want to keep my day job because it gives me financial independence and it’s something I’m passionate about. I love going to work most days, I like most of my colleagues very much, and the environment at Yahoo! is nurturing, supportive and comfortable.
I know I want to do this business, The Little Bow Company, because it is my dream to share and sell beautiful things and support other Mummy entrepreneurs. And I know I am so lucky to have friends and a husband who support me unconditionally.
I know I want to be a wife to my husband who works so hard to support this family and who always puts us first.
Most of all, I know I want to be a mother. I know I want to love so hard and so deeply that my heart feels like its being squeezed every morning when I look into my baby’s smiling face. I know I want to be the one my baby wants when she needs a hug, a cuddle and a gentle hand to brush away her tears. I know I want to be the one sitting there when she feeds herself for the first time and looks proudly at me for affirmation. I chose this, I wanted this, and I am blessed to have received this.
So while I started out this post to whine about how crappy my life is getting, I’m ending it on a much happier note.
I chose this life, I chose this role. And I chose to be a mother.
So thank you, Sophie-doll, for choosing me.
Your very tired but very happy Mama