Little Bow Girl

Wife, Mama to Sophie Rose, Full Time Day Dreamer

 Life Right Now..

Is exhausting.

Some days I wake up and I ask myself what on earth possessed me to decide that K and I could keep house, look after a baby, run an online business and hold full time jobs.

Almost every night at midnight we are dead on our feet, with only enough energy to take a shower before collapsing into bed. My mornings are filled with feeding, then cleaning, cooking, chores and I don’t know, maybe breathing a little in between. And I find myself wondering, at least once a day, how long I can keep this up before my body decides that it’s had enough?

For example, one day last week:

photo 2

This is Sophie Rose throwing a tantrum. She will first scream several long, bloodcurdling, high pitched ones, then she will fling her toys around violently, sometimes hitting herself in the face.

She will then thrash her arms and legs about, screams turned into howls, lips trembling from the effort. I want to go to her, but I know she’s just throwing a tantrum because she isn’t hungry, she is clean and freshly bathed, and we just finished reading, playing and singing together. She just wants to be carried.

I look around the house. The kitchen sink is a disaster, the bathroom is filled with her dirty tub, a filthy high chair. My bed is unmade. The laundry is overflowing. I look in the mirror. My hair is a tangled mess. My dark circles could rival a panda’s and I am wearing mismatched PJs because I’d passed out dead on the bed next to my equally lifeless husband post shower.

This is a bad day. The old me would have laid down on the floor right next to Sophie, thrashing and kicking and screaming too until my needs were met.

But the tables have been turned, and I’m the Mom now. I take a deep breath, pick her up, strap her into my Mei Tai and do all the chores with 7kg attached to my chest. 7kg of wailing, drooling, sobbing baby who is expressing herself by beating on my withered chest and going on a hunger strike.

 My hands are rough from chores and the scrubbing of bottles, and I know I will literally have no time to myself that entire day. I feel guilty that I can’t spend a little quality time with Benjy, I feel guilty that my husband will have to come home to a messy house and be met with a long list of chores instead of a warm dinner and a happy family.

I feel awful that I have fresh organic produce going bad in the fridge because I have forgotten to cook them, and shitty about neglecting all my friendships because I am on night shift every day and cannot go out for dinner.

And the worse part of it all is that I have no one to blame but myself, because I chose this. And I know there will be many bad days to come.

 But you know, there is an acceptance and a resignation in acknowledging that no one could have made this choice but me. That I took all of this on, knowingly and that I could not give any of this up.

I know we do the chores and all the cooking because I am a control freak who wants to be aware of all the food going into my baby’s mouth and my husband and I fiercely guard our privacy.

I know I want to keep my day job because it gives me financial independence and it’s something I’m passionate about. I love going to work most days, I like most of my colleagues very much, and the environment at Yahoo! is nurturing, supportive and comfortable.

I know I want to do this business, The Little Bow Company, because it is my dream to share and sell beautiful things and support other Mummy entrepreneurs. And I know I am so lucky to have friends and a husband who support me unconditionally.

photo 1

I know I want to be a wife to my husband who works so hard to support this family and who always puts us first.

Most of all, I know I want to be a mother. I know I want to love so hard and so deeply that my heart feels like its being squeezed every morning when I look into my baby’s smiling face. I know I want to be the one my baby wants when she needs a hug, a cuddle and a gentle hand to brush away her tears. I know I want to be the one sitting there when she feeds herself for the first time and looks proudly at me for affirmation. I chose this, I wanted this, and I am blessed to have received this.

So while I started out this post to whine about how crappy my life is getting, I’m ending it on a much happier note.

I chose this life, I chose this role. And I chose to be a mother.

 

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So thank you, Sophie-doll, for choosing me.

Your very tired but very happy Mama

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9 thoughts on “Life Right Now.

  1. TH says:

    Hi Elizabeth

    Have you considered investing in a robot vacuum to ease your tasks. I have the LG robot vacuum which is regarded as the best artificial intelligence imbedded in it. It also doubles up as a mop which means it vacuums & mops at the same time. Its now selling for SGD499 on Qoo10 under local warranty by LG Electronics here. I say local warranty becos there is a lot of Korean sellers on Qoo10 offering it without local warranty. However, you do need to keep your floor free of clutter like toys, rugs as objects slow down the movement of the robot. I suggest keeping all toys thrown into a cheap container big enough to contain it. Don’t bother with arranging the toys neatly in position.

    1. libbyty says:

      Hi TH, thanks for your comment! We do have a robot vacuum (the I-robot) but we can’t leave it on because our pet dog Benjy attacks it. >.< also, our house is perpetually cluttered. Will definitely look into getting one of those big IKEA containers just to keep the mess out of sight! Thanks again!!

  2. Lady J says:

    HUGS to you, dear! I don’t know how you do what you do like I said before. When I look at you, I see Super Mom wearing all these hats.. 🙂

    1. libbyty says:

      Thanks Mama J! A lot of it has to do with support from other Mamas too. And every Mom who does her best is a Super Mom, you included!!!

  3. Susan says:

    Jia you! We all have our bad days but pray the good ones will outweigh those that get you down.

    1. libbyty says:

      Thank you Susan! I think there’s no doubt that the good days make the bad ones seem worth it.. but when a bad one is in progress, man is it bad!

  4. miss ene says:

    For some odd reason, I found myself tearing when reading your entry. Hang in there, momma. All mommas know those days where you’re so exhausted, you’re not sure why you wanted to be a momma in the first place. I don’t have an online business to run and already feel like a truck ran me over every other day. I can’t think straight or work before a cup of teh-si. So yeah, just remember that THIS TOO SHALL PASS. And the dirty house and dishes? Oh whatever. As long as you have a clean surface to eat off, who cares 🙂

    1. libbyty says:

      Hello dear!! Thank you for taking the time to leave this comment, it really does mean a lot to know that I’m not the only one who feels this way! And I think, with online support, resources etc we’re so much luckier than the previous generation in having people to reach out to. And yes – THIS TOO SHALL PASS. I have actually considered having that tattooed on to help me through the days. Totally feeling you about the clean surface. Found myself eating off my baby’s high chair tray yesterday . possibly a new low.

      1. miss ene says:

        Oh please. As long as you get food into your system, don’t worry about the how 🙂 I hope you feel better – it’s the weekend! Woohoo!

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